Pounding the Iron,
Getting Huge
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Last week we talked about gaining weight -- bulking up, you might say -- and how one goes about it. Clearly the world’s populace by and large (very large) has no problem with the deed, and only a few frustrated and neglected souls are pursuing the hefty goal. Eat more is the obvious instruction, but presents two questions in need of further consideration: eat more of which foods, and what kind of weight might one gain. There are at least two kinds of weight one might gain, fat weight and muscle weight, and the former is not on the top of the list.
Well, by golly, we put those compelling questions to rest in my comprehensive 1,500-word report. Needless to say, detail and in-depth research give my work flair as well as credibility. This week I shall, with the same direct and intelligent approach, determine the training systems most suitable for packing on muscle fast.
Before I get into the meat of the matter, or you might say, the iron of things (note the subtle, well-placed wit within my presentation of bland facts), let me assure you there is no fast way to pack on muscle. That’s a lie, a myth, marketing hype, a cruel promise and a sick joke. The muscles, God bless them, grow, but they, like, crawl into place. Muscles are not in a hurry; speed is not their thing. Besides taking their own sweet time to arrive, they are secretive. The more you look for them, the harder they are to find.
The rascals like to be left alone. You eat, you train hard, you rest, you believe and you smile. The rest is up to them. Down that tuna, push that iron, relax, think positive and have fun. You’re growing; ever so slowly, but you are growing.
If you recall, I was responding to two guys at the gym, a wiry teenager -- High School Johnny -- and a 40-some regular lifter -- Mighty Mike Muscles. They wanted to know what I would do to gain 10 pounds. The workout routine matters, of course, but it doesn’t have to be a scientifically planned methodology complete with the careful manipulation of sets and reps in proportion to one’s one-rep max as determined by precisely detailed scale training. Oh, my, no. Spare me the dizzy, suffocating struggle of establishing and recording the increments of the weight engaged and the increase of repetitions applied. What? Are we in school or at the gym? Is this advanced math theory or elemental weightlifting? Are we students achieving a scholarly degree or a bunch of guys pounding the iron and getting huge? Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore... wiggle, wiggle, wiggle... may I go to the bathroom?
On the other hand, I don’t suggest you walk around the gym and lift whatever gets in the way... not that I don’t see that style of training on the gym floor every day. It’s very popular, in fact: What’s this? A dumbbell... crash, boom, bang... jeez, man. Ah, a cable thing... pull, swing, whoosh, tangle... now, they’re fun... like those. Hmmm... a big bar and bench... seen this before... under we go... oooff, grrrgh, clang, oomph, clunk, splurt pzush, crash. Gasp! Hope nobody saw that one... stinkin' bar’s probably bent. Interesting contraption... sit here, I’ll bet... grab these probably... and push... nope... pull... nope... Ahha... "Extend Legs Slowly and Completely -- Repeat." Kinda boring, ya ask me. Ah, my favorite... the chinning bar... I’ll just jump onto this baby... and pull... Huh?... pull 'n kick.... pull, kick 'n swing... oomph... pull, kick, swing 'n squeal... grips.... seethe... slip... wriggle... ping...oops, flop. I can’t move. Is that the exit? Zoom!
Some overall basics, gentlemen: If you’re serious about your goals, train no less than four days a week and no more than five. If you’re just interested, train three days a week. You want to hit each muscle group twice a week, directly or indirectly. Provide 80-percent effort in your exercise input, saving 90 and 100 percent for those inspired sets of reps that colorfully dot your workouts. Focus is 100 percent, pace is a consistent and unhurried lean on your sets, and doubt is dashed by extra effort.
Maintain order in your training, though like exercises can be occasionally interchanged during a series of workouts -- dumbbell presses for bench presses, preacher curls for dumbbell incline curls, leg presses for squats. I offer this latitude to trainees who know their training well enough to recognize a need for exercise replacement due to overload, discomfort or displeasure. I don’t support arbitrary changes in your routine; they must be purposeful. This freedom will be valuable in muscle growth and injury prevention, as well as provoking more thinking, and evaluating exercise worth and effectiveness.
Complicated is out. Keep it simple and basic and don’t be afraid to superset. Supersets are tough and wonderful, and, though demanding, work for all levels of trainees. They are not reserved for leaning and defining the physique. Remember, you’re eating and building. The basics include assorted presses -- bench, standing, barbell, dumbbell; curls of all varieties -- standing barbell and dumbbell curls, incline and preacher curls, alternate dumbbell curls. There are cable pulldowns, cable rows, bentover bar and dumbbell rows, deadlifts, squats and leg presses. Don’t forget pullovers, cleans, chins and dips.
Too often I see a trainee with weight-gain intentions wasting his time with lightweight one-arm concentration curls or isolated upright cable rows or delicate one-arm cable lateral raises. Tap, tap, tap! Cute additions to a lackluster routine or nifty pumpies for a Sunday afternoon, but not the powerful basics we need to disturb the stubborn body into growth. We want the blockbusters, the heavy artillery, those movements that hammer the muscles like a pile driver. Kaboom, Kaboom, Kaboom!
Think thud! Don’t think clink. Think black and white. Don’t think pink.
I have no particular weight training program for weight gain in mind. There is no special bulking routine I recall from the past to pass onto you. That dimension of your training is accomplished through your eating as described a week ago. The function of your training is to build muscle with that precious food and fuel you ingest. To help you in your training and simultaneously help you mature in your training, I’ll merely direct you as you piece together your own workout scheme.
I’ll just stand on the side and "kibitz," as my Dad used to say... and do.
Say you’re going for the three-day compact schedule, here’s a neat mix of muscle groups: Day 1) Chest, back and shoulders, Day 2) Legs and torso, Day 3) Arms. Swell. First, you want to exercise your midsection each of those days with a combination of leg raises, crunches, rope tucks and hyperextensions. Second, you want to pick two or three complementing exercises per muscle group from the list of basics we underscored above. Third, you want to perform them with all your heart and might and mind. You will not fail.
Keep a reasonable mental note of the weight you use in each exercise and try to exceed your input from workout to workout. Here’s where some guys and gals go off the deep end. They think their training is only as successful as the progress they can calculate by comparing this week’s numbers with last week’s. Phooey is the professional term I use to comment on this frustrating and erroneous means of charting one’s progress. The numbers represent a reference point only, the vicinity from which you started. There’s no mountain to climb, only land to traverse. Do this and one day the mountain will be beneath your feet.
Your goal is multifaceted, and includes improving your internal chemistry, your cardiovascular health, your conditioning, your training knowledge and understanding, your muscle weight, your muscle density, shape and size and skin tone and your character and savvy. Be consistent and be confident, and these priceless attributes advance on schedule. How often I’ve witnessed a lifter fold cuz he missed his last rep. I know... the broken, misguided wimp having too often been me. Press on.
Should you choose to spread your workouts over a dutiful four-day period you might consider this: Chest, back and shoulders, followed by arms and legs, a day off and repeat, then take two days off. Again, it’s the basics in an arrangement that appeals to you and to your physical system. Think, not as a machine, but as a living, breathing, feeling and functioning being with instincts. God bless our instincts. If you look at the bench press one day and secretly want to torch the miserable thing, do dumbbell inclines instead. At least the bench press will be there next week when you mysteriously crave the troublesome movement. If it’s your day to squat, but you’d rather eat worms, maybe you’d better squat cuz you’re coping out and you know it. Just thinking out loud.
Ahha! You’re going for the hunky Big Five workout. This is excellent, the choice of champions. As a reward I’m going to refer you to my all-time favorite training routine, which I recorded on the web about six years ago.
It’s still my favorite routine, though I condensed it to four days when I turned 61. It was the will of my body and its ability to recuperate, which I, after considerable battling and pouting, conceded to honor and obey. Days one, two and three remain the same while day four is a combination of movements my intuition and desire call to the foreground. All four workouts are enjoyable and productive and follow the discipline and freedom I need to get the work done lovingly, wisely and well.
You cannot love your training every training session, but you must respect it. You cannot give up, but you can give in... rarely. If you do, my dear friends, be willing to answer to the phantom ego who stalks you in the shadows and carries a big stick. He’s a ruthless taskmaster. Personally, I’d rather punish myself.
Wait! What’s that I see far and overhead? It’s the sky, the wild blue yonder, that infinite and glorious space bound only by far-flung horizons. My wings, please; 'tis time to go. Care to join me?
Home, at last... Dave
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